To escape I keep scrolling
Till my fingers tire
Till my brain develops apathy for the content carefully curated for me
Then sometimes I write
It’s unintelligible
Lacks structure
And honestly doesn’t seem worth much
Aside a release
But that’s fine I guess
Anything that stops my brain from short circuiting and shutting down
Or paralyzing with me indecision
Every nerve suspended
My body a marionette with its strings cut
Time ticking by
Life ticking by
Stuck in the same cycle
Life carries on
With all its highs and lows
Life carries on
Through the pain and tears
Life carries on
Happiness always fleeting
Life carries on
With the weight of the past
Life carries on
With the uncertainty of the future
Life carries on
With joy and sorrows combined
Life carries on
With a small ray of light
Life carries on
It gets easier each day
Life carries on
It gets harder each month
Life carries on
Hope we make it someday
Life carries on
We’ll keep running till we fly
Life carries on
We won’t always be dismayed
Life carries on
We will be together someday
Life carries on
With hearts full of praise
Life carries on
A stagnation unlike any other
Trudging through a swamp
Barely moving
Slowly coming to halt
The murky depths began to claim me
Little by little
My body and soul sank
The dark water embracing me
With the little strength I had
I struggled to the surface for air
Each trip got harder
Maybe I didn’t need the air
Maybe the darkness could have me
That light inside
Where the Spirit resided
Only reason I was barely holding on
Till I noticed
There was someone else there
When did she get here
Why did the tug of the waves
Feel lighter?
I was still stuck in the swamp
But she was there
Helping
She was around
She spoke to me
She understood me
She encouraged me
She
Well she gave me a reason to live again
A reason to move forward
A gift I can’t ever repay
So I’ll give her everything
She knew what I was
She accepted me
How badly did she want me to fall in love
How badly did she want to ruin me for everyone else
She surely got her wish
I was hers
And only by God’s love
She was mine
Now I’m still in the waters
But I’m fighting
I’m trying
For God
For her
For myself
I’ll be good
She’ll be here
The song is ‘I DON’T NEED YOU’ by Andy Mineo. A synopsis of it would be the thoughts and behaviour patterns, we form after we often get disappointed by people we may have trusted. But it’s also a peek into the mind of someone more prone to rely on themselves than on others despite the situation. The ending is a somber reflection of why this feeling of ‘I’ll do it all myself’ tends to arise. This line in particular helps highlight it:
“These walls I built
Each brick is a disappointment”.
It should be clear why this song ended up resonating with me so well. As an introvert from birth, when social interactions can be so cumbersome and complicated. Withdrawal is always the easier path. And with time, you turn into a loner. You might have tried before to rely on people or do your best to get along. But then you got wonderful reminders of how great humans tend to be. Yourself included of course. The blame sprayed like a paintball machine gun. Everybody gets splattered. And you slowly build the ‘I don’t need anyone else’ mindset. People just get in the way and are often unhelpful. And have you tried ever maintaining even the simplest relationship? It’s a whole lot of effort for both parties. Effort that can be spent watching anime or playing video games. By yourself, in perfect peace and stillness. Unfortunately the years roll by and you realize that humans are inherently built for companionship. And you might have tried to escape it. But you can’t cheat nature. The nights are kind of lonely sometimes. The days often find you longing for someone to be there. But why bother, you’ll just push them away. Or they wouldn’t understand. Or they leave. Or you feel the constant need to prove your worth. It’s tiring, far more tiring than enduring the bouts of ‘alone’. The search for genuine people is too laborious and unrewarding. It’s effort that can be spent on self improvement. Or finally ridding yourself of the curse of companionship.
An evergreen tree stands tall, branches swaying the wind
Tires screech as brakes groan
An Ant scurried past foraging for the colony
A Blender noisily whirls hacking away at its contents
The playful breeze picks up a few leaves and wafts away
A baby squeals happily, grabbing her mom’s hand
The dog barks excitedly, jumping on his owner
A crackling fire roasting plantains
The roar of generators breaking the quiet night
The garden full of flowers and bees busy pollinating
You hear about and it sounds strange. An exhausted mind and body choosing not to rest. Well, maybe “choosing” isn’t the right word, when your consciousness covers the unconsciousess’ shift. Then it sounds a lot less strange when it’s 4 am and you’re looking at the dark ceiling while listening to sounds of the night.
It’s quiet outside, aside an occasional dog bark here or a tree rustling there. Anyone to keep you company is slumbering peacefully not knowing this affliction and hopefully not taking the sweet embrace of sleep for granted. You certainly did. Insomnia, you’ve heard it enough and even studied it for a time. And now you’re getting the practical experience with it. The waking up at almost noon with a splitting headache because your body finally crashed around 6-7 am. And I mean crashed, where the typical person simply drifts off with the Sandman’s help, your entry into a dreamless rest is violent and only permitted once your body has gone past its activness limits. To put it frankly, you black out. You try hard to ignore what could possibly be causing this problem you’ve never had. You were always able to sleep even when the environment wasn’t conducive to it. So why has your good friend sleep suddenly become ghost who sparingly visits. Did you do something to upset it?
Is it something you could take back? These two questions hang in the air as the sky gradually brightens. It’s a new yet so familiar day where nothing gets accomplished because the fatigue of the previous day is tagging along. Maybe things will be better tonight if you could just survive the day.
Get it?
So for some reason I developed Insomnia. There will be no particular backstory to this since I have no idea why. During one of those wonderfully sleepless nights insomnia is known for, I thought I might as well find a way to pass the time. I settled on documenting the thoughts that go through my head while I stay up. And since the insomnia is pretty much recurring, why don’t I make it my first ever attempt at writing something in series. I decided to call the series “Insomnia Hours”. Not much for an introduction but I’ve been up the whole day so I’d say this is decent enough.
P.S. My sleep deprived brain probably won’t produce anything interesting.
Further P.S. I’m terrible at endings/conclusions.
I could say sorry a thousand times and it wouldn’t suffice,
I could buy a million gifts to say sorry and it would just be an empty gesture,
what I really owe you is something I find myself incapable of giving.
It’s a kind of change and moving forward that I’ve been trying for most of my life,
Each time I think I’ve made some progress, all I’ve really done is try to suppress what I am.
Try to bury it deep inside and lie to myself I was getting better,
but that’s the thing about suppression, it doesn’t just go away,
the cracks will eventually start to show till they connect and the carefully crafted image falls apart,
The imaginary persona of a better me shattering bit by bit,
and that’s what happened.
I fell apart.
It was in phases, I found withdrawing more a little each day, tried my best to hide it but every once in while it would spill out.
Situations would occur and just remind me that it was just a brave front I was putting up,
So I got tired.
If after all this effort I’m still basically the same, moving forward was just an illusion I cast on myself so I wouldn’t be crushed by the weight of my inadequacy.
A lot of good that did because here I lie shattered,
A shell of my former “self”.
Now I’m selfishly putting strain on bonds I’ve built over the years because I can’t let anyone in. Honestly hoping they’d just say I wasn’t worth the effort and just move on so I’d no longer be a burden. But life and people have a funny habit of not following expectations.
So now I’m causing them more pain.
I don’t want to be an inconvenience and I can’t possibly be that important to you, for you to go through all this sadness and confusion as you try and reach out but I push you away.
I can’t say I’ll do better.
I can’t say I’ll try.
I can’t understand why you stay.
I’d be better off locked away in my bubble not being anyone’s problem to deal with.
Maybe it was really fog or mist,
But this feeling of confusion is something I definitely couldn’t have missed,
The way my thoughts seem to get so crazy at even the very thought of trying,
To move forward with my life in a direction that could bring growth.
The higher potential for change the thicker the haze,
It has to make sure no progress is made.
How else would it survive without all the self doubt and insecurities?
No this mind must never be allowed to clear,
Stuck in an endless loop of self destruction is its best state,
Overwhelm it and obscure any thoughts that might state: “I want to change I really do”,
Replace them with “What’s the point?” And keep them feeling blue.
Allow this to be the only colour that remains in their life and drain everything else away
Ensure their field of vision always remains grey.
As a Haze that’s your one objective
Fill every cavity and prevent any sense of clarity.
It’s been a literal year since I bothered to open my blog and much less post anything. I found myself in a very confusing place where I was just rapidly withdrawing from the world around me. I more or less turned into this shut in who didn’t have the energy for anything and just wanted to be left alone. Ended up putting a lot of strain on relationships I’ve formed when I just ghosted with no explanation. I’m pretty much still that way and half convinced I’m depressed. I can rarely get anything done and I hate it. I decided to start writing again. Not because I think it will fix everything or even make an improvement, but just I need to. I need to without any tangible reason as to why I should and I’m rolling with it. So this is a little welcome back party I’m throwing for myself and I wrote something for the occasion with no title:
I know what it’s like to be inspired,
To grasp at this light that turns to warmth when your fingers make contact.
This warmth that quickly turns to fire that burns with a need to be free.
A need to escape, but not before it reaches inward and touches every aspect of your being,
No longer simply just a random blaze but now a personification of your burning passion,
A white hot expression of what, who and why you are spreading into the world.
Nii Sackey's Writing Collection 